My husband and I dated for 5 years and we tied the knot in the spring of 2010. My focus after marriage was to graduate college, expand my career, buy a house, and just having a good time. We thought about having children but we always told ourselves, “we are not ready” or “now is not a good time.” Is there ever a right time? Reflecting back, it was just an excuse for me. When 2012 approached, we decided... ready or not, we are having a baby. It took us two months to conceive. On Memorial Day of 2012, I tested and saw two pink lines on the pregnancy test. I was excited, nervous, scared, happy, all kinds of emotions. At eight weeks, we went in to the OBGYN for our official first doctor’s visit. I started crying when I heard the heartbeat for the first time and saw an image of a “little peanut” on the ultrasound machine. I was on cloud 9. We nicknamed our baby “peanut.” Every month, I go in for more check-ups and was told “everything looks perfect.” I felt good during my whole pregnancy. As 12 weeks approached, I said to myself “whew! We are on the safe zone!” and we celebrated peanut's journey through the first trimester. The second trimester was fantastic, even better than the first. We found out the gender... and it was a girl!... my mini me. We named her Ellysa and we call her “Ellie” as in Ellie the Elephant. During the second trimester, my husband put his head on my lap every night... and read her bedtime stores out loud. He wanted her to hear and be familiar with his voice. I smiled as I listened, and thought “this is the perfect life.” I loved feeling her kick inside me... Her kicks were so strong... strong enough for my husband to see the movements from my growing belly.... I loved every bit of it. The nursery was set up and baby girl clothes were nearly arranged in the closet. Then, at 25 weeks, the unexpected happened.
I was so caught up with work that I forgot about her kicks. I missed it and was worried something would go wrong. I mentally remember I had not felt movement for several days. I convinced myself she is just “sleeping really good.” The night before I contacted the doctor, I drank juice, ate a bunch of sweets, and I tapped on my belly... but no movements at all. I didn't know what to think... But I knew I was scared. My husband convinced me that everything will be ok. I fell asleep and hoped that when I wake up, I will feel her move again. Nope! I was wrong... I still felt no movement the next morning. I went to work and emailed my doctor and the nurse called me. She asked me questions I can’t remember... but the only thing that stuck was me having to go to labor and delivery right away. I cried on my drive to the hospital and my husband met me there. I prayed that everything would be ok. On 10/24/2012, it was confirmed that Ellie no longer had a heartbeat. I was in shock, in disbelief, and said “no way.” I wanted to leave the earth with her. The doctor induced me and I delivered her the following day, 10/25/13. We got to hold her, kiss her, hug her... And it was so hard to say goodbye. We cremated her because we wanted her ashes at home with us... where she belongs.
I honestly never heard of stillbirths and this whole experience was very tragic. I didn't get answers as to why this happened to me... and that's the hardest thing to accept. I think of her everyday. I imagined all kinds of memories with her... playing dress up, picnics at the park, braiding her long black hair, science experiments...but those memories can only be imagined.